Selfless, But Still Selfish
by A Thousand Undiscovered Stars
Summary: Designed to tie in with the story "Choices" by SelenaShadow. No longer a one-shot! After Alice breaks up with Bella, everything starts spiraling out of control - for both girls. Will Bella finally recieve the out from life that she's been searching for? And why did Alice really break up with Bella? On Hiatus before being Revised.
1. Leaving

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer and the storyline belongs to SelenaShadow. I'm just borrowing them...

A/N: Okay, so this is just a short one-shot, told from Bella's point of view, designed to tie in with the story "Choices" by SelenaShadow. It was inspired by Chapter 29 of the story. Anyway, I hope you like it! Enjoy!

"It was pretty obvious to myself though, when Alice leaves me… I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore. I'm living for her, because strange enough she loves me and I love her. But…

She will leave. And when she does… I don't plan to live long after that. Just enough for her not to feel guilty about it."

- Bella, Chapter 29 of Choices

**Chapter One: Leaving**

Bella

I sighed as I leaned against my car in the parking lot of Forks High School. I knew that my face would appear expressionless, unlike my eyes. That's exactly why I was wearing my sunglasses. I didn't want anyone to see the pain that I was in – and had been in ever since...

My thoughts broke off as I found what I had been scanning the parking lot for. I could see all of them standing together. Today was some kind of stupid Bring Your Parents to School So That They Can See How Pathetic Their Kids Really Are day at school. And that's why, when I say that I could see all of them, I mean **all **of them.

You might be asking yourself who I'm talking about. Honestly, if you knew me then you would know that there's really only one possibility: the Cullens. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Edward, and... Alice. My sweet, beautiful Alice.

There's just one problem. She's not my Alice anymore. She made that perfectly clear. What do I mean?

Put simply, Alice did exactly what I had known that she would. It finally became too much for her to handle... **I **became too much for her to handle. So, she did the only thing that she could – she broke up with me. And, like I said, I was expecting it. I was expecting the pain, the numbness; the desire for it all to just... end. What I wasn't expecting was the feeling of weakness that overwhelms me whenever I'm near her.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters – how could it when I am forced to live a life without her in it? School, my company, my "friends" or acquaintances rather – none of them meant anything to me, not anymore.

I shook off my thoughts so that I could watch as they all simultaneously seemed to feel my gaze on them. They all turned to face me with a mix of expressions on their faces. There was cold hostility (Rosalie), slightly pouting disapproval (Emmett), slight hurt mixed with protectiveness (Jasper and Edward), compassion and gentle sorrow (Carlisle and Esme), and finally, from Alice, there was a mix of all of these – coldness, a small amount of disapproval, sorrow, hurt, anger, and love. Yes, I could still see love in her eyes, but it had been overwhelmed by a dozen other emotions just as I had known that it would be.

I didn't react to their stares, although I felt the now-familiar ache reverberate through my body at their rejection of me. It hurt too much. I couldn't bear to continue standing here, but I couldn't make myself turn away. So, I waited until they moved as one towards the front entrance of the school before following a good thirty feet behind them.

It was then that I realized that the principal had come out and was waiting for me just up ahead. I hoped that the Cullens would make it inside before Mr. Green could stop me, but no such luck. They stopped a mere ten feet from him, talking quietly among themselves.

I sighed before fixing my signature smirk on my face and squaring my shoulders. I walked directly up to the principal before coming to a stop with his disapproving eyes on me. "Sir," I said smoothly, smirking at him.

He sighed, sounding frustrated. "Ms. Swan, you've missed school **thirteen **time in the past **four** weeks. I'm afraid that this cannot go on any longer. The school will no longer accept..." he hesitated, obviously trying to find a better word for 'bribe'. "Donations, to overlook your lack of discipline," he finally finished and I glanced sideways from behind my sunglasses while giving one humorless laugh. I could see them watching, their expressions unchanged for the most part, though I could see a touch of disappointment and frustration on Alice's face. Well, they definitely heard, not that I had any doubt that they would.

"And should that concern me, **sir,**" I scoffed, still smirking at the man as he became increasingly agitated.

"Ms. Swan, I am no longer willing to tolerate your unruly attitude. Now, tell me, will you agree to begin conforming to the rules and regulations which the rest of the students follow, or not?" he asked me, his voice rising only slightly despite his frustration.

I heard a familiar laugh off to my left, though it was now marred slightly by the bitterness which tinged it. "Come now, we all know that Bella would never give up her precious freedom. After all, the way that she sees it, that's really the most important thing, isn't that right Bella?" Alice asked, her voice harsh and full of repressed anger and pain.

Carlisle looked at his daughter in surprise and Esme gasped. "Young lady, you will stop speaking that way this instant!" Esme said, but I cut her off as I moved to stand just five feet away, directly in front of Esme.

"Don't!" I commanded and everyone but Esme looked at me with disapproval. Esme just seemed surprised. "She had every right to speak to me, of all people, that way," I said firmly before turning my attention back to Alice as I slipped off my shades, tucking them into my jacket pocket. "Go on, Alice," I said evenly and I saw her eyes flash. I knew that I was about to receive the buildup of two months of anger and hurt, and I didn't begrudge her it. I meant what I said – I deserved every scathing word that she could possibly find to say to me, and more.

"Gee, thank you for your permission," Alice began sarcastically before really getting started. "Why is it that you always feel the need to act superior to everyone else? I've got news for you: you're not! You're no better than anyone else, and you know what? You're actually a lot worse than the majority of the people that I've met! You're arrogant and cocky and you don't care! About... anything! You act life is just one big joke, and you just don't get it! I don't know why you even bother to come to school, seeing as you literally said that it meant nothing to you! Then again, nothing means anything to you, does it Bella?" she asked, shaking her head in disgust. I remained silent and expressionless, only my eyes betraying flashes of my true feelings. With every word that she spoke, I lost another piece of myself, but I would stand here and being slowly ripped to shreds for hours just for the opportunity to hear her voice. "In fact, why don't you just drop out? I know for a fact that you've thought about it, anyway. Why do you stay? It's clearly not because you care about me! So, why don't you just go?" she asked, her voice now taking on a hurt and pleading tone that almost made me flinch. The rest of the Cullens just stood there, watching silently with wide eyes.

It may not seem like it, but, honestly, **I **was the one that hurt **her.** And I'm still hurting her, and it's breaking my heart all over again. It's like I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle for the moment. The sound of her voice heals me, while her words shatter me. And I can see in her eyes all of the pain that I'm causing her just by being here, standing before her. But no more. I won't be the cause of her pain, not anymore. I can't bear to see her look this way anymore.

One corner of my mouth tugged up just a little. I bowed my head slightly as I looked into her eyes. "If you're sure about that?" I asked and she nodded, the pain and hurt in her eyes outweighing the love there. "Well, alright then," I said softly. And, with that, I turned and began walking back towards my car while I started pulling out a cigarette.

"Hey!" I heard Mr. Green call from behind me and I turned back to face him.

I smirked. "Yes?" I asked condescendingly.

He spluttered for a moment at my 'audacity' I believe he called it once. "It's the beginning of the school day! I can't just let you leave!" he protested incredulously.

I smirked once more. "There's just one problem with that. I'm no longer a student here," I said, glancing at the Cullen family out of the corner of my eye. They appeared to be stunned, Alice included. I was a little sad that she didn't realize that I truly would do anything that she asked of me. But there was nothing that I could do about that now.

"What?" Mr. Green asked, shock evident in his tone of voice.

I raised one eyebrow. "I'll have my guardian call the school this afternoon and remove me, and I promise you..." I trailed off, turning my face to the Cullens and Alice in particular. "You'll never see me again," I said, and while my words were for the principal, my promise was for Alice.

Mr. Green fell silent and Carlisle spoke this time. "What do you mean?" he asked, his expression surprised.

I looked at him and gave the smallest of smiles. "I mean exactly what I said. Once I leave, you will never see me again, I guarantee it," I repeated, looking at Esme when she opened her mouth to speak.

She didn't seem to know what to say at first. "What will you do? Where will you go?" she asked, her motherly instinct taking over in her surprised state.

Again, I gave the smallest possible smile. "I'll be going to Italy, where I'll take full control of my company. After that, it really doesn't matter," I said with a shrug before turning back to Mr. Green. "And once I leave this place, I'll never set foot in either your school or this town again," I said to him coldly before turning and making my way to the parking lot and reaching my car.

When I opened the door, I saw that the Cullens had followed me and stood about seven feet away, watching me with those same stunned expressions. My eyes slid over all of them, as I reached inside my jacket pocket and pulled out my sunglasses. However, I didn't put them on as I'm sure they expected: I took them and I snapped them in half.

I didn't look at the other Cullens but I was sure that they were all looking at me with shock written across their faces. But I only had eyes for Alice, just as I had ever since the first time I laid my eyes on her. All of the hurt and anger and love were mixed with surprise and one other emotion, now. I couldn't tell what it was, though, so I shrugged it off.

"Why?" she asked, and I knew that, in reality, she was asking more than why I had snapped my sunglasses but I didn't have any answers to her questions.

I shrugged. "You said once that you wanted to know how I felt. Looking into my eyes is the only way that you can really do that," I said, and I knew that right now all that she would see in my eyes was love – deep, unending love. I smiled, a real smile for the first time since she broke up with me, and took a single breath before speaking. "'Bye, beautiful," I said softly, giving a single wink before getting into my car. I didn't watch her reaction as I back out of my parking space and began driving away. However, I couldn't resist one last glance in the rearview mirror as I drove away.

And it truly was my last glance. I had meant what I said to Mr. Green – I wouldn't return here after I left, which would be as soon as possible. I would go to Italy and, for a time, I would take over my company. I just neglected to mention that I didn't plan on staying alive long enough to manage it for long. A few months, tops, just to ensure that Alice wouldn't feel like it was her fault. Who knows? Maybe I would stage it to make it seem like an accident. I didn't know how I would do it, but I did know that I didn't plan on living much longer after I left Forks.

As I took in the sight of Alice, I couldn't help the small melancholy smile that came over my face. She stood rigid and unmoving. Her eyes showed anger, regret, sadness, and love... But they also showed relief. Some people would have been hurt by what I saw in her eyes, but I wasn't most people. In fact, I loved her all the more for it. I loved everything about her. I loved her, period. And that's exactly why I was doing this.

"Goodbye, beautiful," I murmured one last time. But, it wasn't goodbye, not for me. Because Alice would still be with me in my heart, up until the moment that I drew my last breath. Because even if I was "selfless" enough to leave her when she requested it of me, I was still too selfish to let her go.

**To Be Continued.**

**A/N: Aww, poor Bella! I just wanted everyone to know that Alice is not meant to be considered mean or vindictive. She's just hurting and this is how I imagined that Bella would see things if this were to happen. Anyway, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! And, if you haven't, check out the story that was the inspiration for this one – "Choices" by SelenaShadow. Now, review, please! :D**

**- Ashe**

**A/N: So, I've decided to continue this story, and the new chapter will be up within the next couple of days. :) I hope you liked the story so far. Now, review please! **


	2. Regret

_**Chapter Two: Regret**_

_Alice_

_My family and I were all standing around our cars in the school parking lot, when I felt it. It felt like we were being watched, and apparently the rest of my family felt it too, because we all turned to look at the same time. What I saw made a torrent of conflicting emotions rise within me._

_It was... her. It was Bella, my Bella. The only problem was, she wasn't my Bella, anymore. I made sure of that, and I hated myself for it. Because, no matter how much anger and pain that she caused me, I loved her. Even when I spoke those venomous words that finally tore us apart, I loved her._

_She had her sunglasses on, so I couldn't be sure, but I was fairly certain that she would be looking over all of us at the moment. I really hated those things. They hid her eyes, so I could never be sure of what she was thinking or feeling. Bella stayed where she was, unmoving._

_After a minute or so of that, my family and I all turned to move towards the school. Everyone else was speaking quietly, but I paid no attention to what they said. It didn't matter. Nothing did – not without her. We stopped walking once we were a few yards past Mr. Green, the school's principal. I didn't pay any attention to him either, until I heard her voice._

_"Sir," Bella said smoothly, and I immediately turned around so that I could see her. She was smirking, but I knew her well-enough to know that it was just for show. At least, I **thought **I knew her well-enough to say something like that._

_Then the principal went on to chastise Bella for only showing up for school seven times in the past four weeks. He also told her that he wouldn't accept any more bribes – he called them "donations" but everyone knew that they were bribes – as excuses for her absences. I'm sure my frustration and disapproval showed on my face. I just couldn't understand her! Was it really so hard to just show up for school? I knew she didn't like it, but come on! I don't like school, and I still show up!_

_"And should that concern me, **sir,**" she scoffed, still smirking at the principal, who was starting to turn red in his agitation._

_"Ms. Swan, I am no longer willing to tolerate your unruly attitude. Now, tell me, will you agree to begin conforming to the rules and regulations which the rest of the students follow, or not?" he asked me, his voice starting to rise._

_Damn it, Bella! I chuckled, hearing the bitterness in my own voice. "Come now, we all know that Bella would never give up her precious freedom. After all, the way that she sees it, that's really the most important thing, isn't that right Bella?" I asked, feeling all of the pain and frustration run through me once more. I almost flinched at the sound of my own voice, but it was like a floodgate had been opened and there was nothing that I could do to stop the words from pouring from my mouth._

_My parents were shocked, I could tell. "Young lady, you will stop speaking that way this instant!" Esme scolded me. I was going to respond, but before I could Bella interrupted._

_"Don't!" she commanded, and we all looked at her disapprovingly, except for my mother. "She had every right to speak to me, of all people, that way," she said firmly before turning her attention back to me as she slipped off those damn sunglasses, tucking them into her jacket pocket. "Go on, Alice," she said evenly, and all of my anger and pain welled up within me again._

_"Gee, thank you for your permission," I began sarcastically before really getting into it. "Why is it that you always feel the need to act superior to everyone else? I've got news for you: you're not! You're no better than anyone else, and you know what? You're actually a lot worse than the majority of the people that I've met! You're arrogant and cocky and you don't care! About... anything! You act life is just one big joke, and you just don't get it! I don't know why you even bother to come to school, seeing as you literally said that it meant nothing to you! Then again, nothing means anything to you, does it Bella?" I asked, shaking my head. I knew it was true. She didn't care, she never did. But I still loved her, even now. I just couldn't seem to stop myself from taking all of the pain and anger and self-hatred that I was feeling out on her. I could see the mix of emotions that flashed through her eyes: pain, relief, and love. I immediately denied the latter. She couldn't love me, not anymore, not after what I said to her. "In fact, why don't you just drop out? I know for a fact that you've thought about it, anyway. Why do you stay? It's clearly not because you care about me! So, why don't you just go?" I pleaded, all of the pain that I was feeling evident in my voice. I wanted her to go, because I didn't want to hurt her anymore. I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain, see her standing here as I hurt, looking like I could tear apart and burn the pieces and she would thank me for it, would light the match herself._

_One corner of her mouth tugged up and she bowed her head to look into my eyes. "If you're sure about that?" she asked and, though it felt like it would kill me to do so, I nodded. I couldn't make her stay here anymore. It would kill me if I was forced to hurt her any more than I already had._

_"Well, alright then," she said softly, turning and walking towards the parking lot while at the same time pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up._

_Wait! Where was she going? Was she going to cut school, again?_

_Mr. Green interrupted my thoughts. "Hey!" he called and Bella turned back to him and smirked._

_"Yes?" she asked and I couldn't decide whether I wanted slap her or kiss her for her condescending tone. Her voice always had such an overwhelming effect on me. It was like heaven, to me. Her voice was soft and velvety like shadows and darkness, and strong and unyielding like diamonds and steel._

_"It's the beginning of the school day! I can't just let you leave!" he protested, obviously shocked._

_If I was surprised before, Bella's next words shocked me to the core. "There's just one problem with that. I'm no longer a student here," she said, and I felt myself freeze. What? I couldn't move, even when she glanced at my family and I, and I saw a flicker of sadness in her eyes._

_"What?" Mr. Green voiced my thought, sounding as stunned as I was._

_Bella raised her eyebrow. "I'll have my guardian call the school this afternoon and remove, and I promise you..." she trailed off, turning her head to look into my eyes. "You'll never see me again," she finished, and though she was speaking to the principal I could tell that it was me that she was making that promise to. I felt myself go cold at the thought of never seeing her again. But... that would be better for Bella, wouldn't it? Of course it would. She wouldn't have said it, and she wouldn't do it, if it wasn't what was best for her, would she?_

_My father spoke, and I could hear the surprise in his voice. "What do you mean?"_

_Bella smiled the smallest smile possible. "I mean exactly what I said. Once I leave, you will never see me again, I guarantee it," she repeated, each word ripping through me like a thousand knives._

_"What will you do? Where will you go?" Esme asked her, and I could hear the motherly concern in her voice as she spoke to my... ex-girlfriend. I had a feeling that I knew the answers to those questions._

_Bella smiled, though just barely, before speaking the words that I had suspected that she would, although I couldn't have imagined how much it would hurt me to hear them. "I'll be going to Italy, where I'll take full control of my company. After that, it really doesn't matter," she shrugged before turning back to the principal. "And once I leave this place, I'll never set foot in either your school or this town again," she said coldly, continuing her journey to the parking lot, where her car was waiting._

_I drifted along behind her. She was leaving. Bella was leaving. Bella wasn't coming back. She was never going to return here again. I would never see her again. It was all that I could think about._

_When she opened the door of her car, Bella turned back to face us where we stood several feet away. I watched her eyes skim over us, as she pulled out her sunglasses. I desperately scanned her eyes before she inevitable covered them once more. But she didn't. She took her sunglasses and **snapped them in half.**_

_Surprise flashed through me, mixing in with all of the pain, anger, love, and... **regret** that I was feeling. Yes, I felt regret. I regretted ever opening my mouth to speak the words that ended it all. I regretted every moment that I spent away from Bella when we were together. But, most of all, I regretted all of pain that I caused her._

_I didn't know what else to do, so I had to ask. Why was she leaving? Why was she going away? Why was she leaving me behind? Why wasn't she ever going to come back to me? Why had it ended this way? But all I could manage was a simple, "Why?"_

_She shrugged. "You said once that you wanted to know how I felt. Looking into my eyes is the only way that you can really do that," Bella said, and all that I could see in her eyes right now was love. Her eyes **shone **with it, and I could have stood and stared into her eyes for days and it wouldn't have been enough. Then, she smiled, the first real smile that I had seen her wear since I said the words that broke both our hearts. "'Bye, beautiful," she said softly, giving me a single wink before getting into her car._

_I wanted to run up to her car, open the door, and tell her that I didn't mean it. I wanted to get down on my knees and apologize until I fainted from exhaustion. I wanted to kiss her until we both passed out from lack of air. But I couldn't. Because it was all my fault._

_So, I stood there, completely immobile as she started her car and began driving off. I didn't know what to feel, anymore. I was angry, furious at myself for causing all of this. And I was angry that Bella would leave me behind, even though I knew that we weren't together anymore. I felt regret that this had happened, that I had caused this to happen. I was filled with sadness that I wouldn't see her again. I would never get to see her eyes shimmer with playfulness as she teased me, or see them smolder with love as she kissed me. I would never hear her velvet-smooth voice calling my name. And I was consumed by love. I loved her, and I always would. It was an impossibility that I could ever **not** love her. But I couldn't help but feel relief, as well. I was relieved that she was leaving, not because I wanted her to go, but because if she left then I couldn't hurt her anymore. I couldn't stand it if I hurt her anymore..._

_My eyes filled with tears, and I felt a pair of arms wrap around me but I pushed them away. I didn't know who it was, but I didn't care. Whoever they were, they weren't Bella. I sniffled once, taking a single deep breath, before I forced myself to wipe away the tears and turn to walk towards the school. My movements were mechanical; there was no meaning to them. There was no meaning to anything, really. I understood, now, what Bella had meant when she said that school didn't matter – not really. How could it matter, when you had no true reason for living, for existing at all? Yes, I had my family and I would try to go on as I always had for their sakes, but... I didn't want to._

_I didn't want to waste my time in a school that had been hers before it was mine. I didn't want to spend seven hours surrounded by people who had known her long before I even moved here. I didn't want to be surrounded by constant reminders of her. There was only one thing that I wanted, one person that I wanted – and she had just walked out of my life for good. But I couldn't blame her for it. After all, how could she not leave when I had already thrown her out? It was simple: she couldn't._

_No, I didn't want to be here, but I would. I would do it for my family, but I knew that I couldn't keep it up for long. Because I could already feel. I was falling apart without her, and it wouldn't be long before I broke. And I couldn't help but wonder... Would they be able to put me back together, when some of the pieces were missing, when my heart was halfway across the world in Italy? I wasn't sure, but I didn't think that they could. And I didn't think that I cared._

_**To Be Continued.**_

_**A/N: Well? Was it good, bad, terrible? I know that this chapter is pretty angst-y but it will get better as it goes on. Anyways, I expect reviews, now! Please? :D Thanks for reading, everyone!**_

_**- Ashe**_


	3. Lost

**Chapter Three: Lost**

Bella

I kept my promise. I kept my promise and it's killing me. But that's okay, because I'll never see her again. And if I can never see Alice again, then it truly doesn't matter if I live or die, anymore.

I'm on the plane now, sitting in a first class seat. But I can't help but feel that I'm really not going anywhere, even as I watch the clouds streaming past outside my window.

It's been a day, only a single day since I saw her standing there in the school parking lot. Yet it feels as though I've gone an entire lifetime without seeing her lovely face, hearing her sweet voice; feeling her soft touch. How can I go on without her? The simplest and most succinct answer that I can give to that question is this: I cannot, nor will I. I will hold to that which I vowed to myself. I will continue living for only a few months, at the most. After all, even in death, it would torment me to no end if she were to blame herself after I kill myself. I will not allow my dear, sweet Alice to suffer the guilt that she would feel if she thought that she was the cause of my death.

I looked out the window once more and noticed that I could see land ahead. We would be landing in Italy soon. I sighed. Well, at least I would have something to focus on until my time came. My business would excel, I was sure, and I was all the more resolved to ensure that it did. Hm...

When I felt the plane beginning to descend, I refocused my attention on my surroundings. A moment later, I felt it as we touched down and heard the announcement when we could disembark.

I was lost, drifting in my thoughts as I mechanically exited the plane and made my way through the airport. I only looked up when I heard my name, and then I saw him standing there: Jenks, my "guardian".

"Jenks," I greeted coolly, an automatic smirk settling itself on my lips.

He just smiled at me, shaking his head. "Bella," he greeted me. "Should we head to your new house?" he asked as we walked to get my bags.

I shrugged indifferently. "We may as well," I consented.

After that, we walked in silence, picked up my luggage, and headed towards Jenks' car. That is, we were silent until we reached the car and were settled inside of it. Then, it would appear that the universe desired to tease and torture me just a bit more than it already had.

"So, are you ever going to tell me what happened between you and your lovely young lady? Alice, was it?" Jenks asked, never taking his eyes off the road. And maybe it was best that he didn't look at me as he said that. Because, if he had seen my expression as he spoke those words, he very well may have driven straight off the road at the fury that my eyes expressed.

I took a single, deep breath. "Jenks," I began evenly. "If you value your well-being, then you will never ask me that question again," I said, and I saw him flinch at the cold steel that my voice contained. "Oh, and one more thing, Jenks," I stated and the man nearly cringed.

"Yes, Bella?" he asked quietly.

"You will never, **ever**, mention her name to me," I told him. "Because if you do, I swear that I won't hesitate to destroy you as thoroughly as I have been destroyed," I said, and I was deadly serious. I could bear to think her name, but to hear it said was like hearing the Sirens singing. I never wanted to **stop **hearing it, but I knew that if I didn't stop, then it would surely kill me.

There was a moment of silence, before Jenks nodded his head. "Of course, Bella, forgive me," he apologized softly, and that was the last thing that was said between the two of us until we pulled up to my new residence outside of Volterra.

As I got out of the car and looked up at the beautiful villa that I would be living in for the next few months, I couldn't help but give a melancholy smile. In my opinion, it was a fine place to die. The only question left to me was how. How would I do it? Ah, well. I had plenty of time to think about that, but I entertained a few ideas anyway. A gun was too messy, too loud. A knife would take too long, and there was a chance that I could be "saved" before I actually died. A jump off of a cliff, perhaps? Hm... I would figure it out, eventually. Because, to quote Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, "I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!" And, to me, Alice was both of those things and more. She was the earth I walked upon, the air I breathed, and the very world that I lived in. She was everything, and I had lost her. And, now, there was no light left to shine upon my dark and weary soul. But that was okay, because she was better off without me, wasn't she? I sincerely hoped so...

**)(**

Alice

It's been two days now, since... **she **left. She was gone. My beautiful Bella was gone. I had known when she spoke the words that she she meant them. I had known that she was leaving, and that she wasn't coming back. But, now...

Now, I felt as if I had had no more warning than if she had suddenly disappeared before my very eyes. She was gone, and I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it, but it was true.

I was lost without her. It was like I couldn't breathe. I could hardly stand to go on, but I did. I knew that my family would worry even more if I just lay in bed the way that I wanted to. Still, I knew that they could see it.

I sighed, looking up at the stars from where I lay on my balcony in the crisp night air. I didn't feel the cold, though. Sighing once more, I lifted the cigarette that was in my hand until I held it before my face. Lazily, I closed my eyes and inhaled the smell of it. It was one of hers, one of Bella's, and it smelled of her. It smelled of cinnamon and smoke, and it conjured images of brunette hair, dark eyes, and a smirk which screamed of arrogance and superiority. It smelled of home, a home that was lost to me, now...

I was torn from my thoughts by the sound of my bedroom door opening. I knew that it was one of my family members, but I didn't bother moving. Whoever it was, would find me soon enough.

Sure enough, a moment later I heard Esme's voice drifting out to me. "Alice," she called to me softly, and my eyes snapped open although I still didn't move from where I lay on my balcony.

"Alice, darling," Mother spoke quietly as she sat beside me and lifted my head onto her lap. I looked up at her, seeing the sorrow and love that her eyes evinced.

I sighed, shutting my eyes once more as I felt her hand on my cheek. "Yes, Mother?" I asked, speaking just as quietly as she had.

"Darling, please, you must tell me what happened. These past two months, I've seen that you're unhappy, but not like this. Now, it's as if... You've lost yourself," Esme told me, her tone pleading with me to confide in her.

I almost flinched at her words. She was right, after all. I was lost, so lost that I didn't have even the slightest hope of escaping the darkness that surrounded me. But there was nothing that I could do. Without her, I couldn't do a thing to help myself, nor did I want to.

I hesitated before I spoke. "It's all my fault," I whispered and I shook my head a little as I felt the first tears building in my eyes.

"What is it, Alice? What's all your fault?" Mother asked me, and I could hear the frown in her voice. "Alice?" she asked, but I couldn't answer her.

"It's my fault. All my fault. My fault," I cried, shaking my head as Mother pulled me up and into her arms.

I cried and as I did I thought of her. I thought of the first time that we met, in Spanish class, and I remembered how I was so stunned by her looks that I was hardly able to answer when she asked my name. I thought of the way that she defended me against Tanya and Irina. I remembered the first time that we kissed. I remembered the way that I hurt her, both emotionally and physically just because I was afraid of loving her when I knew that she would leave me. How wrong I was...

I was such a fool, and I hurt her so badly. Not only that, I had driven her from her hometown, the place where her parents first met and later were buried. I hurt her so much...

My body shook with sobs, and I clung to my mother as if she was my entire world. But it was no good. She couldn't pull the pieces of my shattered world back together, again. Only Bella could do that, but she was no longer here. And it was all my fault. All my fault...

I saw her, her face. I saw her dark eyes sparkling at me. I saw her lips twist up into a smile that I knew was meant just for me. "Oh, Bella..." Her face was the last thing that I saw before I fell into unconsciousness.

**)(**

I couldn't find it. I was surrounded by mist and darkness on all sides. It was suffocating me, but still I went on. I ran. I ran until I felt as if I would collapse, but I kept on running. I couldn't stop. If I stopped, then it would get away from me. It couldn't get away from me...

But... what was I searching for?

I didn't know what I was trying to find, but I needed to desperately. I had to find it! I began to run even faster, until it felt like I was flying! Wait! What was that? I thought that I saw something up ahead...

"Wait!" I cried, and suddenly everything stopped. The mist cleared and I stopped running. And then I saw something. It flickered about the edges of my vision.

"Please," I whispered, turning as I heard a noise behind me – and my breath caught in my throat. It couldn't be, could it? It was... It was her!

She stood before me in well-worn jeans, a soft black tank top, and a purple, button up plaid shirt that was left open. It was the same outfit that she wore the day that I first met her. It was her.

"Bella..." I murmured her name, my heart singing as the word passed my lips.

She smirked at me and it truly was the most beautiful sight that I had ever seen. She opened her mouth to speak and I waited eagerly to hear her angelic voice, but no words came out.

"Bella?" I asked hesitantly and she opened her mouth once more.

"Alice. Alice..." It was Bella's mouth that spoke my name, but it sounded like...

I woke suddenly, opening my eyes to see Esme standing over me. I was lying in my bed, and I assumed that she must have had Emmett or Carlisle bring me in off the balcony. "Mother?" I asked and she smiled at me in relief, although I could still see the worry in her eyes.

"Alice, darling," she asked before hesitating. "Are you alright?"

I paused, confused. "Yes," I said. "Why?"

"Because, dear. You were moving around in your sleep, and..." Esme paused for a moment. "You were saying Bella's name in your sleep," she told me quietly and my breath caught in my throat.

I sighed. Of course. It was only a dream, but I never wanted to wake up from it, not if I could be with her when I was there. "It's alright. I'm fine," I said, but I could see that she didn't believe me. "I'm just going to go back to sleep. You don't have to worry," I reassured her, forcing a smile, and she shook her head.

"Very well, my darling. I'll leave you to sleep, but I'm here if you need me," Esme sighed, leaning forward to kiss me on the cheek before she left.

I stared up at the ceiling, shaking my head slowly. I was awake, now, but I was still just as lost as I had been when I was surrounded by the mist in my dream. "Oh, Bella..." I whispered. I still felt like I was searching for her, even though I knew exactly where she was. She was in Italy, worlds away from where I lay now, outside of the small rainy town of Forks, Washington.

I knew that I had to tell them what happened. I would tell them tomorrow. It was all my fault... Bella...

**To Be Continued.**

**A/N: [Peeking out of my hiding place] Well? Was it awful? I'm not so sure about this chapter, but the next one should be better. Next chapter, we'll get to see Alice's point of view on what happened and how everything went wrong. Anyway, thanks for reading, everyone! Now, hit the button and review, please! :D**


	4. It's Time

**Chapter Four: It's Time**

Bella

I'm lying out on the ground on the terrace, slowly smoking a cigarette. I sigh. I have no idea what time it is, or even what day it is for that matter. I haven't exactly been paying that much, to... well, anything. That's not to say that I haven't done anything. I've barely slept since I arrived here – I just haven't been doing anything but work.

I run my hand through my hair tiredly, reaching over for my beer – one of my company's brews. I was doing exactly what I had planned on. I was working non-stop and anyone could plainly see the obvious improvement in the company. I was doing all of this for a reason, clearly.

I had found a way around not having an heir to take over my company after I died. It was almost pathetic, really, that I hadn't thought of it before the past couple of months. I had only stopped my work for one reason: to have my Will amended. Now, after I died my entire company, all of the property that I owned, and all of my money would go to the only person left in this world that I still loved: Alice Cullen.

That was the only reason that I bothered to continue my work for the company at all – because I intended to leave everything to Alice after I went. Ever since the day that I met her, all I wanted was to give her the world. Now, I would give her the power and the means to have anything she wanted. That was all that I could do for her, now while I still lived. I sighed once more and sat up, before standing and going to stand by the top of the stairs and look up at the waning moon.

Oh, how I miss her now... I can almost see her. I do, in fact, every time that I close my eyes. I see her standing in the living room of my home in Forks, smiling at me with the most beautiful and bright smile imaginable. I see her eyes sparkling at me mischievously. I see her soft lips moving in mesmerizing ways as she teases me gently. And her voice... What wouldn't I give to hear her voice? I would do anything she wanted were she to deign to speak even a single word in my direction, using her amazing voice. I freely admit that I would gladly give up everything that I own just for a chance to hold her hand or touch her cheek.

"See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!" I quoted quietly, and there never were truer words spoken except for any of the promises that I gave to my love.

I shook my head, turning to go back inside. I knew that I would never see her again, and it was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because I knew that she would be better off without me. She would have been better off if she had never met me, actually, never spoken to me; never dated me. But, at the same time, it was a curse because I needed her. I needed her more than I needed air to breath, water to drink, food to eat, or cigarettes to smoke. And I wanted her more than I craved the final darkness and absolute nothing that death would bring. I would do anything, say anything; be anything for her just for the chance to see her once more. But I wouldn't, and it was better that way.

I ran my hand back through my hair, going over and picking up the contract that I had been looking over. "It's better this way..." I muttered, closing my eyes and focusing on Alice's face. _I love you, beautiful,_ I whispered in my mind. And those were the most true words that I had ever spoken...

**)(**

Alice

It's now been two weeks and three days since she left – and it was killing me. I had tried to act normal for my family, but I could see in their eyes that they knew that all of my smiles were fake and all of my laughs were forced. But I still tried.

I could do it. I could smile and laugh and act like everything was fine. But that was all that it was – an act. There was no meaning to any of it.

But one thing that I absolutely couldn't do was _not _think of Bella. It was an utter impossibility. I thought of her constantly. I closed my eyes and I saw her dark eyes, revealing every part of her soul even when her expression gave nothing away. I saw her everywhere I went. I saw her at school, walking down the hall and everyone parting to let her through and stopping to watch her pass. I saw her in the driveway, leaning against her car with a smirk on her face, sunglasses in her hand, and mischievous eyes. I heard her voice in my dreams, and it only exacerbated my longing to hear it for real. I didn't just want to see her again, I **needed **to.

I sighed, looking out into the forest from where I stood outside near the back door. If I tried hard enough, I could just imagine her suddenly coming running out of the forest with smirking lips and sparkling dark eyes. But it was just my imagination. Because she wasn't coming back. I sighed again.

"Alice..." Rosalie spoke softly from behind me and I heard her walk slowly forward to stand next to me.

"What is it, Rosalie?" I asked, forcing a smile. I looked in her eyes and I could see the sadness there as she looked at me.

"You don't have to pretend for me, you know," she said quietly. "I don't know what happened, but I know that you're hurting," Rosalie paused here, seeming to deliberate on something.

"Just say it, Rose," I said tiredly, unable to fake any enthusiasm for whatever it was that she was going to say.

"Please, Alice... You have to tell us what happened. You're hurting so much, and... Even though I was never wildly fond of the idea of the two of you being in a relationship, I could tell that you guys were extremely close. She loved you," Rose stated with certainty, before her eyes narrowed just a bit. "And you loved her," Again, it was a statement and not a question. "So, please... Just tell us what happened," she pleaded and I could hear the desperation in her voice as clearly as I could see it in her eyes.

I hesitated, before shaking my head and pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers. I had known that this would happen eventually. I smiled sadly, a twisted imitation of my true smile. I nodded. "Okay," I agreed quietly. "Would you call everyone into the living room, please?" I requested and she immediately agreed, her entire demeanor screaming of how relieved she was.

I looked back out to the forest, wanting almost nothing more (the only thing that I could possibly want more was my beautiful Bella) than to go and hide in its sheltering maze of trees, so that I could avoid this conversation. But I couldn't. I couldn't hide anymore. It was time. It was time to tell them why Bella and I broke up. It was time to tell them how I deeply, utterly betrayed her in the worst way. It was time to tell them how I broke both our hearts. It was time.

**To Be Continued.**

**A/N: Hey. Sorry that it's been a while since I updated. I've had a lot going on, and I didn't have as long as I thought to write this chapter. But I decided to go ahead and post a short chapter now and I'll try to update again tomorrow. :) Anyway, I was thinking about where I want to go with the story... And I wanted to know if you all would like a happy ending or sad ending better. Leave me a review and let me know! Thanks for reading everyone! ;P**

**- Ashe**


	5. The Break-Up

A/N: Sorry about the wait. What can I say? Life is crazy, sometimes. ;) Anyway, on with the story. I know that you've all been dying to find out just why Alice and Bella broke up, so…

**Chapter Five: The Break-Up**

Alice

I sighed heavily, before reluctantly – and slowly – making my way into the house and into the living room where my family was waiting. I could clearly see all of the worry in their eyes, but I could also the see how relieved that they were that they were finally going to get to know what happened.

I almost winced. I had only been able to get away with not telling them for this long because they could see how hurt I was. So, they just assumed that it was something that Bella did… But it wasn't. It was me.

I carefully walked over until I could sit in one of the lounge chairs that were facing everyone else. I looked down and took a deep breath. It was time that they knew the truth. I looked back up, and I didn't know what to say. Luckily, my brother seemed to realize that.

"It's okay, darlin'," Jasper began, his southern accent becoming more prominent as he spoke. "Just tell us. We're your family and you can tell us anything," he said and I felt my guilt increase tenfold when I saw how sincere he was being.

I let out a shaky breath that I hadn't realized that I'd been holding. "Well, to start with… You all should know that it was my fault that Bella and I broke up, not hers," I confessed and they all seemed surprised. I knew that they hadn't expected that. I could see that Mom was about to interrupt but I shook my head at her.

"Please… Just let me tell you. You'll understand soon enough," I said sadly. "It was my fault that Bella and I broke up. I… I said terrible, terrible things to her. I betrayed her trust in the most unforgivable way possible. I… I betrayed both her and myself with my words, and it broke both of us," I admitted unsteadily. And it was true. I was guilty of all of those things, and I regretted with every breath that I could never take those venomous words back.

"Alice… What did you do, little sis?" Edward asked with concern clear on his face and shining in his eyes, and I didn't bother to call him out on the fact that I was actually born before him, like I normally would. I wasn't exactly in the mood for sibling rivalry at the moment.

I hesitated. In order for them to fully understand just how unforgivable my actions were I would have to tell them about Bella's past. I sighed. They needed to know, and I had already hurt Bella more than should be humanly possible. What was one more small betrayal of the trust that she placed in me? I thought to myself bitterly. "Rosalie… I told you that you and Bella had more in common than you realized… Do you remember?" I asked her softly and she winced as she thought back to our fight that day.

"Yes… I remember, but why?" she asked and I could see the confusion in her voice.

I sighed sadly. "Do you remember everything? Do you remember what I said just before that?" I pushed and she seemed thoughtful, trying to figure out what I was talking about.

"You… You said something about how people like me are the reason that she's guarded, and… I told you that people like her couldn't love, that she couldn't love you," Rosalie forced the words out, guilt overtaking her.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply before reopening them. I smiled a little and shook my head at my sister so that she would know that she was forgiven. "Keep going."

"You… You said that she wasn't **him**," Rose had to spit the word out, unwilling to say that vile bastard's name.

I nod sadly. "That's right," I whispered and everyone seemed even more bewildered.

"But Alice I don't understand what…" Rosalie trailed off as her eyes widened and she placed her hand over her mouth in horror. "No," she said, shaking her head. "No, it's not possible…"she trailed off, realization, shock, pain, and guilt all crossing her now frozen features.

I swallowed thickly. "Yes," I murmured, and everyone looked between me and my sister with more confusion than ever, although it was now mixed with fear and dread of what they were about to find out.

"What is it, darling? Please, Alice, tell us what has you and Rose so upset?" Esme pleaded, too stunned and concerned to offer either of us comfort at the moment.

I drew in an unstable breath. "Bella… Three years ago, Bella was raped," I almost choked on the words that pained me so. I could see the horror and shock on my family's faces and tears welled up in Rosalie's eyes. She knew exactly what Bella would have gone through, because she had been raped by Royce King and I knew how much it still traumatized her whenever she thought of it.

"Oh, my God… that poor girl…" Esme whispered before taking notice of my sister's tears and immediately realizing what was wrong. She quickly went over and wrapped Rose in an embrace. "Shh… Hush, darling. You're safe, I promise. It's okay," she whispered and I got up and went to hug my sister's other side. Rosalie was strong, but she still had a very strong reaction to the memories of her rape and anything that made her think of it.

It took a few minutes, but Mom and I got Rose to calm down. Rosalie took a deep breath. "I'm okay, now. Alice…" she trailed off, turning to face me. "What happened?" she asked pleadingly and with a hint of anger now, and I could see in her eyes that she had to know. Rosalie was extremely protective when it came to other girls that went through the same thing that she did, so I wasn't surprised by the strength of her reaction. I just shook my head at first.

"It was when she was living in Phoenix. She had a best friend and a girlfriend there, **Connor** and **Veronica**," I spat their names. "Bella was out partying with them one night, and she took **Veronica**to her house before going back out with **him,"** I sneered the word, feeling pain rise up in my chest and seeing Rose shake her head slowly in denial even though I could see in her eyes that she had a very good idea of what exactly happened next, more so than the horrifying general idea that the rest of the family held. "They went to an abandoned building that was one of their usual places to hang out. They were… they were drinking and joking around and… **Connor**offered to sleep with her, and he wasn't joking. She turned him down and he got… angry. He was yelling and they started fighting, really fighting," I had tears spilling down my face at this point and Esme was holding on to both Rose's and my hands while she knelt in front of the small love seat that we were sitting on.

I took a deep breath, making myself continue. "She fought hard, but he knew exactly how she would fight and he was stronger than her. He raped her and he beat her," I cried quietly before I forced myself to try to calm down. "Oh, dear Lord…" Esme whispered out, stunned. Once I had succeeded at least a little at calming myself, Rosalie paused and her expression was pained.

"How did she escape?" she asked unsurely.

I shook my head. "She didn't. Charlie, her dad, found her and he beat the shit out of that little bastard before he took Bella to the hospital," I said, swallowing once more. Mom and Dad didn't even bother to chastise me for my language, but I didn't even notice. "That was why they moved here. Because there were just too many bad memories there," I finished and the entire family had expressions of pain on their faces. I looked at my sister last. I could see pain and understanding on her face, but I could also see confusion and I knew that she had picked up on what everyone else hadn't.

"But… I still don't understand how that explains what you did that was so bad, Alice," Rosalie said slowly and I shook my head sadly.

"When that happened, Bella's girlfriend at the time – **Veronica **– told her that it was her fault and that she deserved to be raped. She told her that it was all her fault – her mother's death, her rape, and it was her fault that **Connor **snapped," I muttered brokenly. All of the guilt was swirling within me and threatening to make me explode. I looked at Rose and could see the fear and anger in her eyes. I actually did flinch this time, though her anger wasn't directed at me – yet.

"How dare she?! That bitch! How dare she blame Bella for that?!" Rosalie exclaimed and we all stayed silent, letting her rant for the next few minutes. I couldn't pay much attention to what, specifically, she said. Still, I knew that she was furious and I was afraid of what she might do when she found out what I did. Suddenly, Rosalie froze. "Wait…" she began before her eyes widened. "No… No, Alice, not that… You couldn't have…" she whispered, almost begging for me to tell her that she was wrong. There was only one small problem: I couldn't tell her that because it would be a lie.

I shut my eyes. "I did…" I whispered, my the pieces of my shattered heart breaking all over again as I confessed. I heard several people draw breath, but I didn't open my eyes for several minutes. Even then, I didn't look at anyone until I heard Mother speak.

"Oh, Alice, what happened?" Mother asked me gently, squeezing my hand. I sobbed quietly. I wanted to stop right there. I didn't want to go on any further, but I knew that I needed to. They had to know that it wasn't Bella's fault. They needed to know what I did.

"There-there was a party the night before the day that we broke up. That night, before the party was supposed to start, Bella and I argued. We fought and I called her a child, and told her to act more mature," I started, silent tears still running down my cheeks. "I could tell that she was starting to get mad, but she just took a deep breath, said that she would see me the next day, got in her car, and left so that she couldn't lose control of her anger," I paused here, my riven heart aching from the pain I felt as I thought of the love and that Bella had shown for me when we were together. "Then, I talked to her the next day after school…"

**Flashback:**

_I huffed angrily, but worriedly at the same time. Bella had been avoiding me all day long, and by now I had reached the point where I was ready to demand that she tell me what was making her act so strange. I mean, sure, we had fought, but come on! I told her that she was acting childish before, but that was nothing compared to the way that she was avoiding me, now._

_Still, I felt pretty guilty for what I said to Bella. I hated it when we fought, because I loved. Besides, I really didn't even know why we were fighting like that, and I didn't actually mean any of the things that I said. I sighed, feeling the guilt flash through me._

_Suddenly, a very familiar voice called my name and I looked up. "Bella," I breathed out, relieved. I was still somewhat annoyed and I did want to know why she had been avoiding me, but the look on her face stopped me cold before I could move towards her. I couldn't place it exactly, but I had a feeling that nothing good would come of it._

_Bella hesitated. "Come on. I'll drive you home," she said and I was about to protest, but she interrupted me before I could. "Don't worry. We are going to talk. I just want to do it close to your house, in case…" she trailed off and I looked at her worriedly and with a touch of anger._

"_In case what, Bella?" I challenged half-heartedly, but she just shook her head._

"_Please, Alice," she asked and I just nodded. I could feel that something was about to change – and it wasn't going to be a good change._

_I followed her to the car and we rode in silence as Bella drove towards my house. Once we reached my driveway, Bella passed it a little before pulling a U-turn and stopping on the side of the rode about ten feet away from the entrance to the driveway._

_I turned to her and sighed, watching her suspiciously as she ran a hand through her hair. But I couldn't stay mad at her. The guilt was just too strong after the things that I said to her yesterday. "Bella… I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry about what I said yesterday. I had no right to say those things to you. It was wrong, and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me," I pleaded quietly and Bella's expression became pained. She looked so hurt and lost that I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and take away all of her pain. I moved to do just that, but she stopped me and I pulled away looking hurt and confused, I'm sure. "Bella?" I asked unsurely._

_Bella closed her eyes for a moment, running a hand through her hair once more. "Alice… Alice, please… Please don't apologize to me," she begged. "__**You **__have nothing to apologize for," she muttered darkly, and I froze._

"_What do you mean __**I **__have nothing to apologize for? I know that we fought, but really Bella it was no big deal," I said slowly, my heart clenching painfully. I could feel that something was coming, and I wasn't going to like it. I shook my head slightly trying to cling to the naïve belief that nothing was wrong, that everything was going to be fine. Bella was just feeling guilty about our fight yesterday; that was all._

"_Alice… Alice, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, and I know that it's not going to be enough but I just wanted you to know," she rushed out and I began to feel the first slivers of anger working their way into me._

"_What did you do, Bella?" I asked carefully, trying to remain calm until I knew exactly what she was apologizing for. _

_She hesitated and I could see all of the guilt and self-loathing in her eyes. But I couldn't comfort her, not until I knew what she was talking about. "Last night… Last night, when I went to that party, something happened," she began and I felt my heart starting to ache. I wanted to cover my ears and shut out the words that she was saying, but I couldn't. "There was a lot of alcohol at that party, and I don't mean a little bit of beer and some other stuff. I mean hardcore liquor, and there was a lot of it. I… I was so stupid. I just started drinking. After a while, I knew that I was drunk, but I didn't care and I still didn't stop. I just kept going. I was so mad at myself about our fight that I didn't even realize what was happening. I was getting up to go get another drink from the cooler outside, and when I turned around…" Bella swallowed and I felt my stomach tighten._

"_What did you do, Bella?" I demanded and my voice was harder than normal. No, please. Please don't say what I think you're about to say, I begged silently._

"_Embry was standing there behind me, and he was just as drunk as I was, more actually. He… He kissed me, and I… I didn't fight against him. I kissed him back, and everything started becoming hazy. I didn't even realize what we were doing until I found myself out back pushing open the door to the shed so that we could go inside," she said and I couldn't do anything but sit there and listen. It felt like I was breaking, but there was nothing that I could do about it._

"_I started realizing what I was doing, but I… I didn't stop. I was just so mad about the way that we fought. So, I kept going and… We-We slept together," she finished, taking a shaky breath. I couldn't believe it. She couldn't have. She wouldn't! No, she had to be lying. It couldn't be true…_

"_Alice, I'm so sorry. I know that apologies really aren't worth anything when it comes to this kind of thing, but I have to say it. I'm so sorry, Alice. I don't even know what I was thinking, but it was all my fault. I was just so mad about that stupid fight," Bella rushed out and I felt searing anger and pain ripping through me. How dare she?! God damn it!_

"_You're sorry?!" I asked loudly and Bella flinched. Good, but I wasn't anywhere near finished with her yet. "You fucking cheated on me, and you're sorry?! Damn it, Bella, how could you?! What, was I not enough for you? You just had to screw him, too? How many others were there, huh? Who else was it? Irina, Tanya; Victoria?" I demanded, my voice rising even more. I was so consumed by anger that I didn't care how much my words hurt her. She deserved it! "God, Bella! You just couldn't bear to give up your freedom, could you? You just had to fucking sleep with him, all because we had __**one **__fucking fight!" I screamed. _

_By now, I was getting out of the car and Bella was quick to get out, too. She opened her mouth to speak, and I could see all of the guilt and self-hatred and pain in her eyes. I was so overwhelmed by my anger that I couldn't find it in me to care at the moment. "You know what? That little bitch that you were with in Phoenix, Veronica, was right! Who's to say that you wouldn't have slept with Connor just because you guys had one little fucking fight?! He probably didn't even have to rape you to get you to sleep with him!" I yelled, and immediately I froze, shocked by my words. I could see all of the pain and hurt on Bella's face, which I could have sworn was literally as white as snow. I couldn't believe what I had just done, what I had just said. I felt all of the guilt and self-loathing that I was feeling earlier come back with a vengeance, but I couldn't take the words back now that I had said them. I didn't know how I possibly could. I had just hurt Bella in a way that was cruel and vicious and utterly unforgivable._

_I looked at her, my face blank in my overwhelmed state. She shut her eyes and swallowed deeply, and I could see her hands clenched into fists at her sides. She opened her eyes and I took an involuntary step back at all of the self-hatred that I saw in her gaze before she reached into her jacket and slipped her sunglasses on, despite the fact that it was as cloudy as ever. "I'll take you home," she said and her voice was completely emotionless, and I could feel my broken heart shatter a little bit more at the sound of it._

_I didn't say anything when I climbed in, and Bella started the car up before driving quickly up the driveway and pulling to a stop in front of the house. I got out without saying a word, turning to Bella who was watching me silently. I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle all of the pain that I saw in her eyes or all of the pain and anger that I still felt. I just couldn't do it. "Don't bother picking me up for school, tomorrow. I'm done," I said simply, forcing the words out and Bella nodded, like that was what she had been expecting. And that was it._

_I shut the door and she drove off. I didn't stay to watch her go. I went inside and saw a note on the dining room table. It read, "Alice. We've all gone out shopping. You're welcome to join us, and feel free to bring Bella along with you. If the two of you have plans, just leave us a note letting us know where you'll be. Call if you need anything. I love you, sweetheart. Mom."_

_I closed my eyes and crumpled the note up in my hand. All of the anger, pain, guilt, self-loathing, and grief rose up in my again and I drifted up to my room in a daze. I didn't even realize where I was until I collapsed onto the bed, feeling the first tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't hold it in any more. I started sobbing and I don't know how long I lied there, but the next thing I knew I felt a hand on my shoulder. _

_I looked up into my mother and sister's concerned faces. When they saw me, they both immediately joined me on the bed, wrapping me in their embrace. They didn't ask questions, and I didn't have any answers for them anyway. All I could think was: It's all my fault. I broke us. I should never have said any of that. We're not together anymore. I lost her… I didn't know how long we all lied there, but my last conscious thought was of her name. Bella…_

**End Flashback.**

Tears were pouring down my face, now, and I couldn't bear to look at my family's faces. Then, I felt a hand under my chin, forcing me to look up. I assumed it was Mom, but I was wrong. I looked up, confusedly, into Rosalie's face. I could see the anger there, and I thought that she would tell me off for how wrong I was to even consider blaming Bella for her rape, considering she had been through the same thing. But I was wrong.

Rosalie took a deep breath. "Alice," she stated evenly before going on. "I'm not going to pretend that what you said was in any way okay, but I'm not going to turn against you because of it either," she said in response to what I'm sure was my fearful expression. "You were wrong for saying that, but it wasn't all your fault. Bella screwed up, too," Rose told me and I started to shake my head.

Esme squeezed my hand at my non-verbal denial of Rose's statement. "She's right, darling. The fault belongs to both of you. Don't try to take the whole burden of the blame when only half of it is yours," she pleaded gently and I didn't respond. I still couldn't believe that Rose wasn't going to rip into me for telling Bella all of those horrible things, and she seemed to realize what I was thinking.

"Alice, yes, I am mad about what you said. But you're still my sister, no matter what. It'll be okay, Ali," my sister spoke softly and I couldn't help it. I flung myself into her arms, sobbing quietly, and I felt our mother's arms wrap around the both of us. "Now, the only question is: What are you going to do to fix all of this?" Rosalie asked quietly, but I just shook my head.

"I-I don't know," I stuttered with tears still pouring down my face. And I really had no idea what I was going to do. How she possibly ever forgive me for the things that I said? What could I do to convince her that I didn't mean it? I couldn't. She wouldn't believe me. She couldn't possibly forgive me for betraying her that way, could she?

**To Be Continued.**

**A/N: Okay. Here it is, finally, the fifth chapter. Sorry that it took so long, but hey! I made it extra-long to make up for the wait! :D First, please don't hate on Alice. She was practically traumatized, after all. Anyway, thanks to everyone for reading the story and review, review, review!**

**Also, I wanted to recommend this awesome story that I came across in the Twilight category. It's called "Never A Cullen" and it's by BlackThorn19. And it. Is. Freaking. Awesome. So, check it out, everyone!**

**- Ashe**


	6. Selfless, But Still Selfish

**Chapter Six: **

Bella

With the wind whipping forcefully around me and the dark thunderheads looming overhead, I now know that this may be one of the stupidest things that I've ever done, but I can't bring myself to regret it. I needed to do it. I can't go on like this any longer. I've done everything necessary to provide for Alice as completely as possible in my... absence.

It's strange to think that, after all of the stupid things that I've done, this will be the last. Still, I could do without the pain. It's annoying to say the least and searing to say the most. But at the same time... I would have taken this pain a thousand times over if it meant that Alice and I could have stayed together. I would have taken it and been grateful.

I don't pretend to be the victim of the relationship, because to do so would be one the worst offenses against Alice that I could ever commit. But I committed an even greater offense – the worst offense. I cheated on Alice. Just thinking the words made me sick.

I cheated on Alice and I hated myself for it. I'm sure that Alice hates me, too, perhaps even as much as I hate myself. I wouldn't and don't blame her. Hell, I deserve both her hatred and mine, as well as the hatred of her family. What I did was inexcusable, no matter how drunk I was. How could I possibly have dared to hurt Alice, my sweet angel Alice?

I snort quietly, despite the wracking pain that it causes. "How pathetic of an excuse is that? I was drunk. Hmph. So what? I knew that I was right all along. Alice deserves someone a million times better than me…" I trailed off as the pain escalated from the effort that it took to speak, even as quietly as I had. Damn, it was irritating.

I couldn't have done anything to more clearly illustrate just how unworthy of her I was. As I said, I had known all along that I didn't deserve her. She was good, she was so good. And me? If she's an angel, then I'm the devil and she most certainly is an angel. And my actions that night prove, quite forcefully, my own sinful origins.

I gave it all up; I gave her up, to fuck someone who could never in all eternity hold even one millionth of the allure that Alice provoked in me. I'm an idiot. Worse, actually. I'm a destructive force of nature, like the one looming above me now. I saw the look in her eyes as I confessed to her what I had done. I destroyed her, and I will always hate myself for that. Even after I die – and I will be dead very soon – I will still loathe myself because nothing that I've ever done was as despicable as me hurting her like that.

The only good thing is... I won't be alive to hurt her much longer. It's better this way. This is the only thing that I can do for her now, and I do it gladly. I'm not afraid of death. Once it finally comes for me, I'll welcome it as an old friend...

"Bella!" A voice slices through the air and interrupts my thoughts. I froze where I lay on the hard ground. It couldn't be... I must be imagining it. I had to be because that voice couldn't be here. I was never going to hear that angelic voice again. Except I just did.

I painfully turned my head and drew a sharp breath at what I saw. There, just as perfect as the day I first met her, was my angel. "Alice..."

**To Be Continued.**

** A/N: Hi, everyone! I'm so sorry for the lack of updates! I've been dealing with a terrible case of writer's block. :( Anyways, I'll try to update soon, but I at least wanted to give you guys a short chapter before the New Year. :) Thanks to everyone who's stuck with this story! I appreciate your support. Thanks for reading everyone, now review please!**

**- Ashe**


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